I wrote a post last night, and, I didn't feel too great at the time, but, I think I'll still share with you what I wrote before deleting it.
"Self-pity is a shameful thing.
Indeed, as are many other thoughts and feelings that one imposes on oneself. And yet, it becomes almost indulgent to actually stop and reflect, not on just WHO you are, but, what you are, and how you live.
So, please indulge me. Read on.
Me. Who I am. Thomas William Joy, 17 years old. Son, Brother, Cousin, Ex, Nephew, Friend. I'm not the most popular kid, another way in which my brother and I differ. It's very rare am I invited anywhere, despite the people who claim they love spending time with me. Those who DO want to spend time with me have casually drifted away, leaving me with even fewer people who genuinely want to. Of course, do I blame them? No, I don't.
I shan't pretend I'm the most interesting person in the world. I know too much about subjects that don't even matter, I talk too much and I look like a bit of a prat in the process. I always try and be nice to people, but, I admit, it has a habit of failing and/or backfiring. I'm horribly arrogant too, something I wish I wasn't.
I'm not the thinnest, most toned guy. Nor do I pretend to be! I hate compliments. I don't know how to accept a compliment, or even just deal with the fact that someone's saying something nice about me, because I often can't find a nice thing to say about myself worth saying. Understand now of course, I'm not looking for sympathy! Simply, writing down what I'm thinking.
And I do a lot of that, thinking. I often can't help myself, I'll plug in my iPod and rather drift from one thought to the next without really realising it. I said last year that my worst fear was losing all those people who were close to me and not having the friendships I did. I feel like that's come true somewhat. I understand that people don't necessarily want to talk to me all the time, despite my attempts at prompting conversation, but, I also feel bad when I don't want to talk to people in general because I just don't feel like chatting.
I think, I have a fear of the future. Not of change, but, the futures. And I don't know why. I like the changing of things I know, I don't want to have to face radical change. I've seen too much change for me to like the idea. Sometimes, I think it would be nice if people would sit down and try and understand where I'm coming from, I don't want people to agree or disagree with what I say, just understand.
I wish people wouldn't let me down. I'm not expecting perfection from everyone, nor would I hope people expect perfection from me, but, it would be nice if people stuck to their word. It means a lot to me. And speaking of words, I can take a joke I guess. As much as anyone, but the constant jibes, they get a bit much sometimes.
A lot of the time, especially after what somebody said yesterday, I feel like an outcast. I'm made to feel different, like, I'm outside the majority, and, I'm ok with that. I know I've never really fitted in per se. However, sometimes, I wonder what it's like to actually, fit in. To go unnoticed, would be nice, or, to go noticed for the right reasons. What ARE the right reasons? I dunno. But. Oh who knows.
As some of you will know, I apologise a lot. And, ironically, I must apologise for such a dreary post. It's terrible self-centred, terribly vain, terribly arrogant, and what's more, I expect people to read it. I must be deranged, I'm sure.
So, that's me. Thomas Joy. I'll grow out of this phase of self-loathing I hope.
But until that day, I'll remain your frightfully unhumble blogger."